The Turtle in His Natural Habitat
by Connie Nervegas
Summary: This is a videoblog transcript kept by Mike documenting the everyday drama in the family. Raph and Leo fight over something stupid, Mike thinks the lair is haunted and Don bores 150 Foot Clansmen into submission. T for language.


The Turtle in His Natural Habitat

by Ooglafina

_These stories pick up right after Splinter and the turtles have been beamed back into April's bathtub by the TCRI goo-balls. The idea was to show them on their days off when they aren't being abducted by aliens. I imagine that spending all your days underground with your father and brothers would cause you to get up to some pretty strange stuff to amuse yourself. So these are the days that are not deemed interesting enough to make it into Volume 1. They are set in present day although they follow Volume 1._

_P.S. – Please forgive Raphael's filthy mouth. Leonardo's working on cleaning up Raph's language, but it's a hard challenge._

THE SEWER

_We see an old brick surface covered in green algae and slime. The camera shifts and spins around in a nauseating way as the operator gets their bearings. The camera reveals a green skinned face, so close that it is unidentifiable._

Michelangelo: Hey, everybody out there in internet land. This is DJ Ninja Coolness, your engineer of fun as we explore the world of my family and workmates. The Teen... oops. We're the... well, we're big and green and fight crime sometimes. We live in the sew... a gross looking place under ground. I'm a ninja and I'm sworn to a lifestyle of secrecy. And the net has definitely helped us with that lately. Donny can buy all his explosives on eBay now.

THE SEWER DEN – LIVING AREA

_The camera pans shakily over an open floor plan. Moss and fungus grows on the slimy walls. There is a kitchen with a sink, stove, refrigerator and cupboards, which look as if they were foraged out of garbage bins and don't match each other._

_The camera focuses on a small shelf._

Michelangelo: That shelf there is new. Raph snuck into a Wal-Mart and bought it from a cashier that he thought was stoned. He's so brave.

_The living area consists of ugly floral print chairs that are clearly from the 1980's and above. There is an old television with an HD converter box on top. _

_There is an impressive computer set up with three nice looking monitors and various other hardware. It doesn't exactly look new, but fussily cleaned. There are plastic bags piled up next to them._

Michelangelo: We have a hard time keeping the electric stuff dry. Donny's last computer got a bath and he kind of had a nervous breakdown. It's hard on him.

_Raphael enters the frame eating a disgusting looking sandwich._

Michelangelo: What's up R... Ralph?

Raphael: Did you eat all my horseradish?

Michelangelo: Why would I eat that crap?

Raphael: Do you know how hard it is to get?

Michelangelo: No. Why would I?

_Raphael looks as if contemplating an attack, but sits down lazily and eats his sandwich._

Michelangelo: Where's Splinter?

Raphael: Taking a nap. So be quiet. Hey, what are you doing with the camera?

Michelangelo: Oh... just... making a video diary for Splinter. For Christmas you know.

Raphael: Aw, that's really nice, Mike. Can I say something?

Michelangelo: (unenthusiastically) Yeah, sure.

_Raphael adopts a saintly expression that makes him look as if he's just swallowed a bug._

Raphael: Splinter, you're the best dad a turtle could have. Thanks for putting up with me.

_There is a loud explosion and the camera rocks._

Michelangelo: Maybe it was another natural gas leak.

_Donatello runs into the room covered in soot._

Donatello: Did you guys hear that?

_They mumble assent._

Donatello: I'm so close. It only killed one of us this time! Last time it took out Raph and Leo. I just need to get the circumference of the blast zone more concentrated.

_Michelangelo puts the camera down on a table and all that is visible are their legs as they stand facing each other and talking. Raphael palms the ends of his sais as if they were guns in holsters._

Michelangelo: Is this some kind of bomb making hobby that'll get the Department of Homeland Security down here and locking us all up in cages at the pentagon with CIA people zapping us with cattle prods and running us around in Skinner boxes?

Raphael: What are Skinner boxes?

Michelangelo: I don't know, but Splinter's afraid of them.

Donatello: No Department of Homeland Security. I use all kinds of false aliases and stolen IDs.

Raphael: So there's some schmuck out there that's going to get a knock on his door for buying barrels of pure sodium?

Donatello: Possibly.

_There's a pause as Raphael pulls out one of his sais._

Raphael: That's really cool, man. I'm going to go see what April's up to.

Donatello: Why?

Raphael: I'm... just... going to give her a present. To make up for... recent bad things...

Donatello: Recent badness?

Splinter: What was all that racket?

Michelangelo: Donny did it!

Raphael: He's making bombs again.

Splinter: I'm all for the construction of more weapons that could aid you all in battle, but please don't cause a cave in. I do not want a repeat of October. I was also taking a nap and having a lovely dream.

Donatello: Sorry, Sensei.

Raphael: Can we talk about me again?

Michelangelo: Oh, yeah. Continue your story of incompetence.

Donatello: Using big words today, aren't we?

Michelangelo: Hey, I talk English good.

Raphael: Well, I went over to her house and then I have a key right.

Donatello: As do we all.

Raphael: Yeah, and I opened the door and didn't knock first or anything and there she is standing there with a bunch of a little girls. Girl scouts.

Michelangelo: Holy crap.

Raphael: Yeah, turns out she volunteered as a Girl Scout leader. And I had to pretend to be some kind of singing delivery person. Which didn't make much sense because I didn't have anything with me to deliver.

_Splinter sighs and walks away._

Raphael: I know that wasn't terribly stealthy of me, but lately when I knock she says she's about to leave and she's not dressed.

_There is a pause. Michelangelo jumps and runs over to the camera, shutting it off._

THE SEWER DEN – DONATELLO AND MICHELANGELO'S BEDROOM

_There are two bunk beds. Michelangelo's side is fairly disorganized, with piles of DVD, CD, and video game discs and boxes everywhere. Donatello's side is cleaner, but not exactly neat. There are stacks of books in dangerously leaning towers and also papers and broken electronics. There is a sheet over a suspicious looking lump in the corner._

Michelangelo: That's the bomb making stuff. Or else it's the whiskey 'still that Raph bought on eBay. Splinter doesn't know we have it. Leo was really mad about that. I guess having Raph drunk and armed isn't a great idea when he's almost ready to beat the crap out of you on a good day anyway. Splinter just told him off for trying to walk in on April naked and he just left to look for more horseradish or more likely go look for Casey and get beat up. Leo might be home now. He's probably cleaning Raph's side of the room again. Boy, that ought to get colorful real fast when Raph gets back.

_The camera pans over the room. It looks sort of like a dorm room. All brick, no light and not enough space for one person, let alone two._

Michelangelo: Once Don's books fell on me and I had to wait for Leo to get back and rescue me.

_Leonardo enters the room, mumbling to himself. He looks under the sheet and shakes his head._

Leonardo: Homeland Security, here we come.

Michelangelo: That's exactly what I said! What did you do just now?

Leonardo: Just dumpster diving.

Michelangelo: Find anything decent?

Leonardo: It was behind the university housing area, so mostly beer cans and used condoms.

Michelangelo: Yikes.

Leonardo: The pickings should get better on the last day of the semester. I've marked the last day of finals on the calendar.

_Donatello tries to walk past Leonardo into the room and hits him in the shell with the door. _

Donatello: Sounds dirty. I hope you used hand sanitizer when you were done.

Leonardo: Didn't have time.

_Leonardo rubs his hands all over Donatello's face._

Leonardo: Tomorrow night we're going on top of that building between 9th and Blakely and we're going to do some long distance knife throwing.

Donatello: Why? We don't live in Tombstone. And none of us have knives. Raph might benefit from it...

Leonardo: We should learn to be more proficient with all weapons, not just our own. We need to learn to use things around us in unusual...

Donatello: Utilize. You utilize something for a purpose it doesn't usually have. You use something...

Leonardo: Whatever and I want us to start learning to use each others' weapons.

Michelangelo: Are you sure? Remember what happened last time with the "Don throws a sai into an electrical outlet" situation?

Leonardo: Well, we're giving it another try. I'm going to go see Splinter. What's the weather like?

Donatello: Cloudy with a chance of thunder. I detonated a bomb and woke him up and Raph's been peeping on April.

_Leonardo reels backwards in distaste._

Michelangelo: It is what it is, yo.

_Leonardo leaves the room._

Donatello: He always thinks he's the boss of us.

Michelangelo: That's 'cause he is the boss of us. I wish I could record Raph and Leo in their room at night. What do you think they talk about when they're alone? Think they talk about us?

Donatello: Maybe you could...

THE SEWER DEN – RAPHAEL AND LEONARDO'S BEDROOM

_The room looks similar to the other bedroom, only there is a line of demarcation where Raphael's mess ends and Leonardo's fussy cleanliness begins. Leonardo has several odd looking weapons and fighting technique books but also a few model cars and airplanes, displayed with pride. There are action figures in a neat little encampment on a dresser and a large Japanese fan on the wall. There appears to be little or no meaning to the mess on Raphael's side, although it tends to favor wrappers and old bits of wadded up paper. There is a gift box with a bow on top of the desk._

_The camera sits unobtrusively in the room, which is dark. _

Leonardo: Tomorrow we're going to try throwing knives again.

Raphael: Really? After what happened to April's cat? Don nearly committed seppuku over that.

Leonardo: Well, that means it's something we need to learn. And where were you tonight?

Raphael: Ah, I went to April's apartment with her present but she wasn't home. I forgot that she's taking night classes. Probably a good way to get away from us.

Leonardo: I'm sure she's not avoiding you. You're just paranoid. You go over there too much.

Raphael: Well, I'm sorry that the fact that our entire social circle is made of two people gets to me sometimes.

Leonardo: What's Mike been doing with that camera?

Raphael: He's trying to entertain people on his website with videos of us.

Leonardo: Aw. That's cute. It's a shame that we'll have to erase it all.

Raphael: Maybe we could keep it for Splinter. Like home movies. Like normal people have.

Leonardo: Do normal people get to fight crime and stuff at fifteen as ninjas and live kind of within sketchy but respectful bounds of the law?

_Raphael sings "It Ain't Easy Being Green."_

Leonardo: Good night, butt wipe.

Raphael: I'm going to tell you a story.

Leonardo: It had better feature beautiful women and me living in a big mansion.

Raphael: Once there was an ugly ogre named Leo. Beautiful women fled from his hideous face.

Leonardo: He had a side kick name Raph. Nobody ever stood close to Raph because of his overpowering B.O. My lights are fading. Good night.

_It's quiet as Leonardo rolls over._

Raphael: Will you give me some money for molasses?

Leonardo: Sure. Just give me the best cookies when you're done.

_Raphael laughs._

APRIL'S APARTMENT

_The camera slowly traverses the room. It looks like a girl lives here, despite the large target on one of the walls. She is wearing pajamas and has dressy clothes laid out all over the room. Leonardo is cooking what could be a twelve course meal in the kitchen. Donatello is trying to coax her cat out from under a chair. Raphael is trying to fix a table that has lost a leg._

Michelangelo: This is the pad of our good and really only friend April...

April: Who are you talking to, Mike?

Michelangelo: Camera. Present for Splinter. Anyway, she's super hot and going on a date soon with some mook she met in one of her classes.

Raphael: I'm sure Casey would have taken you to this fancy whatever-it-is.

April: I'm sure he would not. It's the opera.

Raphael: Ew.

Donatello: Wish I could go to the opera. Guess I could hide in the rafters like the Hunchback of Notre Dame. Here, Mr. Boots! It's okay. I'll give you some tuna.

_The cat growls._

Donatello: I'm a cat killer.

Leonardo: I don't understand the intent of this outing in the first place. You have Casey...

April: We're not exclusive or anything. Plus, I just want to go somewhere besides a bar, club or sports game for once.

Raphael: If I could, I would take you to all the boring crap that you want.

April: Thanks, Raphael.

Michelangelo: I think this guy deserves to be tailed on the first night out.

Leonardo: We have plans remember?

Michelangelo: Yeah, I remember.

April: What plans?

Donatello: We're going to throw knives at each other and then Raph's going to score some molasses to use in the 'still.

April: Okay. What do you think about the pink one?

Donatello: Way too pink.

April: Yeah, it is winter. How about the red?

Donatello: If you want to look like a grandmother.

April: Okay. Black? Black is always good.

Donatello: I think that dark green one would be nice. I don't remember it. Is it new?

Raphael: You're her wardrobe designer?

Donatello: I have a good memory.

April: I just wish I could find that other green stiletto to wear with it.

_Leonardo drops a glass. They all look at each other awkwardly._

Leonardo: Food's done.

Michelangelo: Food!

_The camera switches off suddenly._

ALLEYWAY

_The camera follows behind Michelangelo, Leonardo and Raphael._

Donatello: Mike's making me hold the camera for a while. We're following April on her date because Leo and Raph think he's evil.

_They stop at the corner of a building._

Raphael: I knew it!

Donatello: What! Is he a Foot spy?

Raphael: He didn't tip the waiter. Cheap bastard.

Leonardo: What a waste of time. Raph, come on. We'll get the molasses when we're done.

Donatello: There's an 87% chance of breaking it if we get it before we spar.

_Michelangelo, Leonardo and Raphael unexpectedly begin climbing the fire escape on the side of the building and look more like they are flying or swinging on invisible vines. The camera swings sickeningly as Donatello travels upwards through space. Suddenly, it stops and is pointed at the blacktop on the roof._

Donatello: Oops. Should have turned this off first. Here, Mike.

_The camera makes its way back to Michelangelo. He turns it towards his face._

Michelangelo: And kids shouldn't do that at home unless they have a death-wish.

Leonardo: Put that thing down!

Michelangelo: I told Splinter I would record our practice so he could see our progress.

_He sets up the camera and directs it toward the knife throwing targets which Leonardo must have put up at a previous time._

Raphael: We'd better move the targets again soon.

Michelangelo: I think you should have that privilege this time.

Donatello: When will we start training on each others' weapons?

Leonardo: Tomorrow?

Raphael: I plan on being hung over tomorrow.

Leonardo: Wednesday then.

Michelangelo: Are we doing this on a roof top? Could get dangerous with the pointy objects flying off the building and into traffic.

Leonardo: Right. We should do it at home probably.

Raphael: Home? I don't want to go home.

Michelangelo: Remember when Don chopped the TV in half with Leo's katana?

Donatello: Hey! Why am I always the hero of the "somebody did something dumb with a weapon" stories? Remember the green stiletto fiasco?

_Leonardo crosses his arms defensively._

Donatello: Remember when Captain America saw a Foot spy down on the street at April's apartment and threw her green shoe out the window and killed the guy? Now she's been walking around for three months going, "Where's my other green shoe?" and it's in the sewer sticking out of some dead Foot member's occipital lobe.

Leonardo: Not my finest moment.

Raphael: Can we throw knives now?

Michelangelo: I'm going to turn the camera off for a while. The battery light's on. I'll turn it on again towards the end when we've been going for a while. Then we'll look like we know what we're doing.

_The camera shuts off and turns on again as they are preparing to leave._

Leonardo: That was good guys...

Michelangelo: Can't believe I forgot about this thing. Splinter's going to look at me funny.

Leonardo: Raph, good but don't throw so hard that it bounces back into space. Mikey, aim a little lower and Don, don't spin around so much when you throw. It isn't a discus.

Raphael: Alright, Bossy the Cow. Hey, you guys go ahead. I'll get the molasses and meet you at home. Mike, give me the camera and just tell Splinter that I ran away with it or broke it.

STREET

_The camera watches Raphael's feet as he walks along. _

Raphael: Nobody around. You'd think they roll up the streets at sunset.

_Raphael knocks loudly on a door._

Raphael: Hey, douche bag! You home! I left my cell phone in my other pants or I would have called first!

_There's no reply._

Raphael: Casey, can't you stay at home once in a while? You know I lost my phone yesterday.

_Raphael begins walking again._

THE SEWER DEN

_Raphael has a large canning pot boiling on the stove. He smells it._

Raphael: This smells weird. Didn't smell this way last time.

Splinter: What are you cooking, Raphael?

Raphael: Nothing!

Splinter: Where are your brothers?

Raphael: I don't know. I thought Mr. Responsibility would have had them back by now. Damn it! It's not supposed to get all gooey like that. What a waste of money. I should have just bought a new phone instead.

THE SEWER DEN – RAPHAEL AND LEONARDO'S BEDROOM

_Raphael turns the camera toward himself. He looks somewhat menacing._

Raphael: I know that there's a fifty-fifty chance that Mike will get this stuff on the internet without our permission, so I just wanted to clarify some stuff about myself. I'm my own man. I don't take anything from anybody, especially Leo. I do what I want, when I want.

_His voice rises as he works himself up._

Raphael: Nobody pushes me around!

Leonardo: (from living area) Raph, get in here right now!

Raphael: Coming!

THE SEWER DEN – LIVING AREA

_Raphael absently carries the camera by his side. He lays it on a table. Donatello and Michelangelo help Leonardo limp along._

Donatello: Leo's hurt.

Raphael: Okay, nobody panic. We've all been hurt before. LEO, YOU'RE FUCKING SHOT!

Michelangelo: You're a few pages behind. Call April.

_Raphael reaches for his phone._

Raphael: I lost my phone.

_Donatello hands him a different cell phone._

Raphael dials.

Raphael: What happened?

Leonardo: I said to some gang member, "If you want to stop me, you'll have to shoot me," and then he shot me.

Splinter: Are you alright, Leonardo?

Leonardo: I don't like being shot.

Splinter: Have you contacted Miss O'Neil?

Raphael: She said she's on her way. There was a lot of screaming in the background, but she said it was the soprano in _La Boom_.

Donatello: _La Boheme_.

Leonardo: He only got me in the arm there.

Michelangelo: Here?

_Leonardo screams as Michelangelo prods._

Splinter: Bring me the first aid kit. Donatello, do you know how to operate on these kinds of wounds?

Donatello: I know that we need to get the bullet out and then cauterize the wound. I can look it up online.

Leonardo: We need a better medical plan than Donny Googling the procedure.

Raphael: What do we do? Should I do anything?

Michelangelo: Panic, butch. That'll help. April will know what to do.

_April runs in the doorway, carrying her shoes._

Donatello: Oh, you're going to ruin your new dress.

April: What? Oh, yeah. That looks pretty bad. What are you planning on using for anesthesia?

Donatello: Looks like my stash was emptied when Mike stepped on that nail.

Raphael: Just a minute.

_Michelangelo turns off the camera. When it comes on again it has been moved to a different point in the room. Leonardo is lying on his shell looking kind of silly. Raphael is standing next to Leonardo's side, watching as Donatello and April cut into his arm. Splinter arranges first aid equipment and periodically checks the laptop computer that is sitting on the floor next to them. Michelangelo uselessly dabs at Leonardo's head with a cloth._

Raphael: Did you drink all of this?

Leonardo: Raph, you're my best friend.

Raphael: Shouldn't he have passed out by now?

Splinter: It depends on his tolerance to alcohol. Where did all of this whiskey come from?

Leonardo: Oh, Raph's been making it in his 'still for months, Master. You're awesome, too, Splinter. You're all awesome. Awesome, awesome, awesome.

Donatello: Quit moving around or you'll have a bigger scar.

Leonardo: Raph, you're my best friend.

Raphael: Would somebody knock him out?

Leonardo: I know you're ignorant and stubborn and you shoved my head in a toilet when I was eight, but you're really awesome.

Raphael: Why the hell were you daring gang members to shoot you! You should have just kicked his ass and got out of there!

Leonardo: I wanted to show off for the little ones.

Michelangelo: Little ones?

Leonardo: You're so cute, Mikey.

Donatello: We should give him alcohol poisoning more often.

Raphael: Anybody need any errands run. That are far from here?

Donatello: Chill. We're almost there. In fact, I think I've got it. Wait, that's his humerus. Too bad it isn't broken. That would have been cool.

Splinter: Here is a magnifying glass.

_April holds the magnifying glass while Donatello looks around in his open wound._

Leonardo: We should go watch the sunset. It's so pretty. Splinter, can we have a kitten?

Splinter: A cat! I should say not.

_It's quiet for a while as Donatello operates._

Donatello: I just hope I don't hit a nerve cluster. That could cause temporary or permanent paralysis.

Leonardo: Wow, that would suck.

Splinter: Do not mention it if there is nothing to be done. Michelangelo, turn off that camera.

_Michelangelo quickly turns off the camera._

THE SEWER DEN – MICHELANGELO AND DONATELLO'S BEDROOM

_Michelangelo seems to be in a tent of bedsheets with a flashlight illuminating his face._

Michelangelo: Well, Leo's okay. He's probably going to sleep for a few days though because it turns out that Raph's whiskey is like 130 proof or something. I think Splinter's too worried to punish him for it. April's on this kick now about doing biological experiments on us and has this new idea to sneak us into the university lab at night. I make sure to say the word "mouser" every time she brings it up. I'm going to put the camera aside for a few days because Casey's coming over tomorrow to tell us about some suspicious looking thing he saw yesterday. It was a guy who looked like he was drinking somebody's blood and he reckons there's a vampire in town. I think the "vampire" was giving her a hickey.

THE SEWER DEN – LIVING AREA

_Michelangelo is sitting at the computer station with several chat screens open on his monitor._

Michelangelo: Turns out they were just horny teenagers on a date. But then we found out that the guy that Leo killed with April's shoe was some kind of important Foot general and they sent out a squad to track down his body. That got pretty interesting. Luckily for us we had a bunch of homemade bombs laying around.

THE SEWER – NORTHEAST TUNNEL

_Raphael is checking his 'still as Michelangelo watches him with the camera._

Michelangelo: Did you hear that?

Raphael: Oh, yeah. It's probably just Muriel.

Michelangelo: Who's Muriel?

Raphael: Oh, a while ago I saw a white woman covered in blood walking towards me. I said, "Hey, lady! Do you need help? You look hurt!" She just pointed at me and said, "It was you!" She flew towards me, but I don't remember seeing her feet move or hearing footsteps.

Michelangelo: What did you do?

Raphael: Well, I went back to the den and got on the computer and looked around for a while and found out that a young woman named Muriel Smith was murdered right over us by her jealous lover when she wanted to dump him.

Michelangelo: Why?

Raphael: Why? Uh, she was screwing somebody else probably. Anyway, he cut her throat and threw her into the sewer and she was never found.

Michelangelo: You think that guy Leo killed is haunting this place too?

Raphael: Oh, yeah. He'd better watch his step or he'll find a bloody high heel in his bed as a warning.

APRIL'S APARTMENT

_Raphael is sitting in a chair while April prepares a syringe nearby. Michelangelo brings the camera very close to Raphael's arm._

Raphael: What are you doing? Go play in traffic.

Michelangelo: What are you doing, April?

April: I'm going to draw blood from all of you guys and analyze it in the school lab during open lab time.

Michelangelo: Splinter changed his mind about the kitten. He told Leo he could get a cat as long as it was a good mouser.

_April sighs. _

April: How was I supposed to know that my boss was evil? One day he was just like, "Hey, I'm evil now."

Raphael: There weren't any signs before hand? Will this hurt?

April: It won't hurt as much as when you fell off that building and you were unconscious for three days.

Raphael: It was a really small building, okay.

April: Baxter did rub his hands together and cackle maniacally sometimes. On three. One... two...

April jabs Raphael with the syringe.

Raphael: Hey, ow!

_April removes a vial from the syringe with "Raphael" written on the side._

Raphael: I wanted to apologize for something.

April: I know you guys killed that guy with my green shoe. Leo said so, remember?

Michelangelo: He means that he's sorry that he's been peeping on you. The pervert.

April: You've been what!

Raphael: I haven't peeped!

_Raphael punches Michelangelo in the head, knocking him on the floor. The camera skids across the floor, looking at April's feet._

Raphael: I've been barging in lately because I thought you were sneaking out on us. I just get so sick of everybody at home and I don't always want a night of sports, beer and busting skulls open.

April: You know you're welcome over here whenever you like, but I've got my own stuff going on too.

Michelangelo stirs groggily on the floor.

Michelangelo: Did you hit me, man?

Raphael: Who said I was peeping on April? If I wanted to see her naked I would just put up a camera or web-cam in her bathroom.

_April glances worriedly around the room._

STREET

_Raphael and Michelangelo walk stealthily along an alleyway. There is an extremely light sound from behind them._

Michelangelo: What was that?

Raphael: I think Captain America is stalking us again in one of his aware-of-the-surroundings tests.

Michelangelo: What if it's the Foot?

Raphael: So? We can take on a few dozen Foot clansmen any day. You and me. Michelangelo and Raphael. The brothas.

Michelangelo: Did you accidentally take a happy pill today? It only took one guy to shoot Leo.

Raphael: We're wary. We're smooth, skilled ninjas. We're...

_Leonardo, Donatello and Casey jump out at them screaming from behind a garbage bin. They all stand in attack position and scream at each other._

Raphael: What the hell is this?

Leonardo: Splinter sent us out to patrol.

Michelangelo: We're not cops.

Casey: Somebody has to do their work for them. I heard about that adventure with the Foot in your pad. Sounds serious.

Raphael: The worst part was moving that guy. He was in bits. At least we got April's shoe back to her. She threw it in the garbage right away. But hey...

Casey: How is she these days?

Donatello: Why don't you go and see for yourself?

Casey: We had a few laughs, but she's too classy for me.

Raphael: Are we just going to gab about our love lives, ladies? Or are we going to find a little action?

_They all jump towards a fire escape and the camera smashes against something and goes black._

ROOFTOP

_Michelangelo is whacking the camera back to life while he and Donatello look into the lens. Raphael, Leonardo and Casey scan the streets below._

Michelangelo: I think I hit it on the dumpster when we were climbing up.

Donatello: Let me see.

_Donatello turns the camera around, which sees several Foot ninjas creeping up along the side of the building towards them. None of them are paying enough attention to notice._

Donatello: I'll take it apart when we get home and maybe cannibalize some parts off the last camera. See anything, guys?

Casey: Only down the tops of some fine looking women.

Donatello: Any of them look dangerous or shifty?

Raphael: Some look kind of skanky.

Leonardo: I think it shows a total lack of respect for women as a species when they dress like that.

Michelangelo: Foot!

Raphael: Feet?

Donatello: The Foot!

_They all grab their weapons. There are at least 150 Foot ninjas on the surrounding rooftops._

Leonardo: That sets a record in lack of awareness.

Casey: They have all the rooftops blocked.

Raphael: We can take those guys over there and then fight our way to that roof over there. It's not so bad if we take them in groups.

Michelangelo: I say we send in The Mouth.

Donatello: It's not that dire of a situation.

Casey: What's The Mouth?

_A few Foot members shoot darts and flaming arrows at them. Leonardo deflects one with his shell._

Raphael: Better yet, we each take a roof. There's only about twenty on each one.

Leonardo: Quit shooting at me!

_Donatello steps forward._

Donatello: I am The Mouth of The Great Turtle! Your master may have told you of our Master Splinter and that we are abominations of nature who should be destroyed. Well, he was right! We are abominations! Did you ever bother asking how Splinter and ourselves came to be in this form? No?

The Foot don't move, but stand frozen in attack poses.

Donatello: Anybody?

Foot Ninja: Not really.

Donatello: Well, that shows a real lack of curiosity on your part, doesn't it? Splinter was born a man. The most frightening and powerful sorcerer in all of Japan. He could bring forth life where none existed and reanimate the dead using his demons called on from the deep. And then, when your master Shredder's father decided to put a stop to his evil and end the plague of the living dead, he transformed himself into a giant rat, to show Oroku Nagi that he would never be able to defeat him...

Raphael: This isn't worth our time. I could've taken out a dozen guys by now.

Donatello: But when Splinter changed form into a rat, the spell he had cast on the undead of Japan was broken and they returned to the earth. Splinter decided to raise a new army, but not just an army of numbers. He decided to form five champions in his image. He left for New York City. The city of the Wall, where the Way is Broad. He summoned an evil spirit named Tunguska, the Lord Turtle and asked him to bequeath five warriors to him. He told him that he was only worthy of four and he left with four turtles in the likeness of the vile Tunguska. We were trained in secret by the mighty Splinter. Why do you think that is?

_There is a pause. Michelangelo raises his hand and Casey whacks him with a hockey stick. A Foot Ninja raises his hand._

Donatello: Yeah, you. The tall one on the office building. You'll have to shout.

Foot Ninja: Because Yoshi killed his father Oroku Nagi and Oroku Saki killed Yoshi and Splinter was too chicken to get revenge on him himself so he got you guys to do it for him.

Donatello: You'd think so, but wrong. Splinter is far above those petty concerns. He has never feared for his life and never had any concern for the lives of Tang Shen or Hamato Yoshi. They were pawns in his plan for world domination.

Foot Ninja: And what about that other guy in the hockey mask?

Donatello: Oh, yeah. He is a sworn disciple of Tunguska. He completes the pentacle of devotion required to bring a manifestation of Tunguska into our world. He devotes his life to the black arts and we are come this night to summon our lord Tunguska. You all can stay and watch if you want. They say that he burns out the eyeballs of anybody who isn't a follower, having sworn the Oath of Death to him. But what the hell? Pull up a chair if you like.

_The Foot ninjas look back and forth at each other nervously. A few creep away._

Foot Ninja: We'll just catch up to you another time when you're not busy.

Donatello: Okay, I'll just put it in my Blackberry then.

The Foot hurry away, disappearing into the night.

Raphael: If we hurry we can still catch a few of them.

_Raphael runs off to catch a few stragglers._

Michelangelo: Hey, wait for me!

Leonardo: Who's Tunguska?

Donatello: It's the name of that part of Russia that exploded for no reason in the early 1900's. It was probably a meteor. Don't know why I thought of that.

Casey: I didn't know I would ever call anything amazing that wasn't related to a woman's body or a bloody fight. But there you go. That was amazing.

Donatello: The Mouth is mightier than the sword.

_The camera makes strange beeping noises and fizzles out._

THE SEWER DEN

_The camera fizzles back to life briefly. Donatello has a cell phone to his ear as he works on the camera._

Donatello: Well, tell him that corn is easier to get anyway, even if it doesn't taste as good as molasses. And it's considered rum when it's distilled out of molasses and isn't proper whiskey unless it's grain based. You need barrels for rum; not everything can be done with the 'still. This is all useless anyway because eventually Splinter's going to find it and get rid of it.

_The camera fizzles out and back to life again. Donatello is on his cell phone again._

Donatello: This is just Casey we're talking about, so you could show up wearing a gunny sack and a rope belt and he'd be happy. Well, I wouldn't be afraid to mix black and brown if it were me, but I don't wear clothes.

_The camera fizzles off and on again._

Donatello: Mike, tell Leo when you see him that if he sees any mousers lying around to bring them back here. I think I can use some of the motors for something. Hey, look! The camera's done.

_He sets up the camera and looks into it._

Donatello: This is Donatello Q. Turtle. Take me to your leader. Testing. Hello.

_He turns off the camera._

THE SEWER DEN

_Splinter is watching the television as the boys play Guitar Hero. Splinter is holding the camera._

Splinter: This is Splinter. I was told by Michelangelo to hold this camera. I'm not sure what any of these buttons do and I apologize to him in advance if I erase anything accidentally. That is Donatello playing bass; that is Michelangelo playing the guitar. Raphael is playing drums and Leonardo is singing. At least trying to.

_Leonardo sings terribly. They are playing "Eye of the Tiger."_

Donatello: Mike, stop taking my star power.

Michelangelo: Sorry. I have to hold it like this. You know I'm left handed.

_April comes in the front door._

April: Hey, everybody. Nice voice, Leonardo.

_Leonardo gives her a thumbs up as he lazily howls along to the music._

April: Good news. The test results are back.

_Splinter shuts off the Xbox and they all protest._

Raphael: Well, is it a boy or a girl?

April: You are all in the crown group of the order of Testudines in the super order Chelonia.

Michelangelo: What?

April: You're turtles.

_Nobody seems particularly impressed._

April: While you classify as reptilian, you're somehow warm blooded. That's why you haven't died in the New York temperature changes yet. You do have bone marrow. If you didn't, you would be too lightweight to take a hard hit in a fight. And the genetic tests were inconclusive, so I couldn't figure out if you're related or not. Sorry. Here're the technical documents, Don.

Donatello: Thanks, April. That was really nice of you to jab us with needles for no reason and analyze us like lab experiments.

April: No problem.

_Leonardo picks up his microphone and preps the Xbox again._

Leonardo: I guess Splinter isn't really our father then? You've lied to us for all these years!

Splinter: What can I say? I did not think you would notice. Miss O'Neil, will you operate this camera for me?

April: Sure.

_The camera is handed to April_

April: Whoops!

April drops the camera and it fizzles to black.

_The camera fizzles back to life and looks straight into Donatello's face at a very close distance. Mostly we can only see one of his eyeballs._

Raphael: (from his bedroom) WHAT HAPPENED TO APRIL'S PRESENT?

_We see Splinter is sitting in front of the television watching the evening news and Michelangelo is hooking up Guitar Hero as Donatello spins his chair around to see Raphael. Donatello lays the camera on a desk and leaves through the front door, hurrying past Raphael as he bellows._

Leonardo: (from kitchen) What present?

_Raphael rampages into the living area._

Raphael: IT WAS YOU, WASN'T IT! YOU TOOK IT AND GAVE IT TO HER YOURSELF! TRYING TO STEAL A LITTLE OF MY GLORY!

Leonardo: Did you hit your head last night? I'm sure it's where you left it.

_Michelangelo pounds on the whammy board of his plastic guitar, causing a loud and obnoxious noise._

Raphael: IT IS NOT WHERE I LEFT IT! DON'T YOU THINK I HAVE EYES!

Leonardo: Well, it's probably buried in your garbage pile. Let me look.

_There is a series of short but loud explosions from outside of the den. Leonardo comes out of the bedroom, holding a green high heeled shoe in the air._

Leonardo: Who did that?

_Michelangelo stares with his mouth open and stops playing his song._

Raphael: Did what? I'm the aggrieved party here.

Leonardo: WHO PUT THIS IS MY BED? THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FUNNY, HUH?

Raphael: YOU TOOK MY SHOES AND HID THEM IN YOUR OWN BED, SO YOU COULD BLAME ME!

_Michelangelo turns up the volume on the television to block out the sound of their argument. Raphael retreats across the room to get his civilian clothes from a coat rack and knocks the camera askew as he walks past the desk. The room is rocked by another explosion. Splinter puts a pair of earmuffs on and picks up a book._

Splinter: Ah, silence.

Leonardo: I SET YOU UP! DO YOU THINK I'M ENTIRELY STARVED FOR ATTENTION! THAT'S THE MOST INSENSITIVE THING I'VE EVER SEEN!

Michelangelo: You guys are wrecking my concentration.

Raphael: WHY WOULD I CARE ENOUGH TO PUT YOUR OLD MURDER WEAPON IN YOUR BED? I GAVE THAT SHOE TO APRIL, REMEMBER?

Leonardo: HOW DO I KNOW WHAT YOU DID WITH THAT SHOE? AND DON'T CALL IT A MURDER WEAPON? WHEN YOU FIGHT, SOMETIMES THERE ARE CASUALTIES!

Raphael: WHATEVER, GREAT MARTYR!

_Raphael leaves in a huff. Donatello walks back in the doorway, looking around innocently._

Donatello: Raph, if you're going out, could you take the grocery list to April?

_Raphael yells something obscene from the tunnel. There is a pause and he comes back and snatches the grocery list out of Donatello's hand._

Leonardo: Master Splinter, did you hear that?

Splinter: How could I not?

Leonardo: Well?

Splinter: This is a misunderstanding that you must solve between yourselves. I am not always going to be around to fix these things.

Leonardo: I know.

STREET

_Michelangelo is walking along by himself. We see his feet moving and the hem of a trench-coat at the top of the frame._

Michelangelo: Well, every once and while when Raph thinks we're having too good of a time getting along he goes into one of these rampages and disappears. Usually it's because he's fighting with Leo about something nobody cares about. Except them anyway. Well, he took off and me and Donny were like, "Don't let the door hit you on the ass" and Splinter said that it was okay if we didn't go look for him and if we waited for him to come back on his own and Leo said that meant that he wanted us to look and that he was worried. Well, boo hoo. It's Raph's fault that Splinter's worried. Why do we get punished for it? I'm on my way to April's because he usually stops by there to rant at her before he takes off and we don't see him for a week. I wish people would just say what they mean. It would save a lot of trouble.

APRIL'S APARTMENT

_Michelangelo unlocks the door and enters without making any noise, almost like a ghost. April screams and holds a vase in the air for protection._

Michelangelo: Relax. I thought Raph was here and if he heard me coming he would jump out the window.

April: Did something happen?

Michelangelo: Don gave him the grocery list and he's supposed to give it to you.

April: That warranted a jaunt over here at 1:30am?

Michelangelo: Well, no. Raph is in one of his rage spirals and I'm looking for him. Seen him?

April: Not for a few days.

Michelangelo: OK, see ya.

_Michelangelo heads towards the door._

April: Not to ask any awkward questions, but I noticed how quietly you broke in just now.

Michelangelo: Broke in? I have a key.

April: I know but you guys don't... like... sneak around in here when I'm asleep or anything right?

Michelangelo: I don't know. I think Leo slept here once when somebody was after him. Don't remember who. And then one time a shaman cast an evil spell on Donny and he thought he lived here and Raph tackled him and gagged him and dragged him out without waking you up. You had a final the next day or something.

_Michelangelo puts the camera down on a table and goes for an open bag of potato chips._

April: Go ahead. Help yourself.

Michelangelo: Well, I'll tell you if I remember any other times.

_He heads towards the front door._

Michelangelo: And when Raph comes back in the window, tell him that Splinter's worried and Leo had an expression. That means he's pretty upset. Bye.

_Michelangelo leaves and Raphael swings back in the window. April looks as though she's biting the inside of her mouth._

Raph: I'll wait until I know he's gone and then split.

April: You know that I think that it would be better if you went back and talked to them.

_The phone rings and April doesn't move to answer it. The answering machine comes on._

Donatello: (on answering machine) Hey, April. This is Dona... Donald Tello. You know, your classmate. Uh... I'm looking for my brother. The big dumb ape. Well, actually a location on either he or Leo would be helpful right now. I'm at Casey's and he hasn't seen Raph and Leo went who knows where. Mike's already home playing Guitar Hero again. Splinter sounded like he was having an aneurism. Did Raph give you the grocery list? I forgot to say that Splinter needs skim milk from now on because I'm a little worried about his cholesterol levels with all the cheese he likes. Also we need margarine and antacid put on the list.

Raphael: I'm in the middle of an emotional crisis and all he can worry about whether or not butter is too fatty for Splinter.

April: Well, he's probably so familiar with your constant emotional crises that he forgets that they're happening.

Donatello: And I wanted to say that I thought that Raph buying you new shoes to replace the ones that we wrecked cracking that guy's skull open was really thoughtful, but Leo isn't enough of an attention whore to steal it and set him up. Bye. Good luck in class tomorrow. I'll gladly take any old textbooks off your hands when you're done with them.

April: Aw, that's sweet. You bought me new shoes.

Raphael: Don't break into song or anything. Leo took 'em and put one in his bed to make it look like... (pauses while thinking) That little turd!

April: Huh?

Raphael: I just had a thought. I've got to go.

April: Wait. I got you something.

_April hands him a new cellphone and a prepaid phone card._

April: I heard that you lost your old one.

Raphael: Actually it wasn't lost so much as smashed against a Foot Ninja's face. You didn't have to do this. You do too much already.

April: What can I say? You're like the four reptilian ninja fighting little brothers that I never had.

Raphael: Ha ha. Thanks. I'll see you around.

_Raphael leaves and then hurries back in the room to fetch the camera. _

Raphael: Could you add Triscuits to the list?

_He switches off the camera._

ALLEY

_Raphael is playing with the camera, flipping it over and over._

Raphael: Where's that erase button?

Gang Member: Hey, you. You look familiar.

_He puts the camera in his pocket and the screen goes black._

Raphael: What can I do for you gentlemen?

Gang Member: You're one of those big green guys that I saw last week. I shot one of them, Diego.

Diego: What is it?

Raphael: It? What is it? Don't you hear me talking? You can't ask me directly what I am? Wait, you shot one of us?

Gang Member: Yeah. He dared me to shoot him, like I'd be afraid of him and so I shot him.

_Raphael roars loudly and we hear him attack and beat up the Gang Members. _

Diego: Let go of Danger!

Raphael: DANGER? THEY CALL _YOU_ DANGER!

_There is the sound of footsteps as the others run away and Danger protests as we hear Raphael repeatedly punching him. Eventually, Danger is quiet and Raphael stops._

_He reaches into his pocket and turns off the camera._

THE SEWER DEN – LIVING AREA

_Donatello switches on the camera._

Donatello: You even got blood on the camera.

Raphael: It was the guy who shot Leo.

_Leonardo looms into frame, glowering impressively._

Leonardo: Did you kill him?

Raphael: I don't think so. I broke most of the bones in his face though. And that reminds me. There's somebody else who deserves to have their face broken.

Donatello: I ate your horseradish, okay. I'm going to break your neck with my bo if you jump me.

Raphael: There is a legend that the ghost of the Foot guy with the sparkly green shoe in the back of his head haunts our den and put a shoe in Leo's bed as a warning.

Leonardo: There is?

Raphael: And Michelangelo was the only one who ever heard that legend.

_Michelangelo drops his Xbox controller and looks around, having paid no attention to the rest of the conversation._

Raphael: You put that shoe in his bed. Which means you took April's present.

Michelangelo: Well, you've seen her twenty times since you found them and so I thought you'd changed your mind.

_Raphael beans Michelangelo over the head with his little plastic guitar._

Michelangelo: I'm tired to you guys picking on me! I'm just as much a ninja as the rest of you and you guys treat me like a little girl. How come I don't get to have dramatic attacks and run off and have the reputation as the one everybody has to walk on egg shells around? And everybody thinks I'm the dumb one. I know stuff! You guys just assume I don't know what you're talking about. And you never let me plan anything either. Leo just gives us a plan and we do it like we're all brain challenged and we only challenge his orders when Raph's having a bad hair day.

Raphael: Whatever, just give me the other shoe back.

Michelangelo: Well, maybe I don't want to give it back.

Donatello: Here it is. It was under his bed.

_Donatello hands the other shoe to Raphael. Michelangelo storms off towards his bedroom. Leonardo follows._

Michelangelo: If you follow me it'll ruin the effect.

Leonardo: Oh, right.

Raphael: You owe me an apology.

Leonardo: Me? What did I do?

Raphael: You accused me of planting the shoe in your bed. Like I'm that much of a drama queen.

Leonardo: Didn't you accuse me of taking the shoe and putting it there to screw with you?

Raphael: Yeah, well.

Donatello: I think you're both drama queens.

_Leonardo and Raphael both reach out and push Donatello over on his shell. Leonardo and Raphael are quiet and uncomfortable as Donatello lies on the floor, watching them._

Raphael: Want to go look for corn with me?

Leonardo: Sure.

_They head towards the door together._

Raphael: I am your best friend remember.

Leonardo: I like Shredder more than you.

Raphael: I heard differently.

_Donatello quickly jumps up off the floor. He knocks on the bedroom door._

Donatello: Come out, Mikey.

Michelangelo: Piss off!

Donatello: Splinter'll sing on your Guitar Hero.

_Splinter's ears rotate in alarm. Michelangelo opens the door and springs out._

Michelangelo: Really? Splinter?

Splinter: The suffering of a father is never appreciated.

_Splinter picks up a microphone._

Donatello: This is a momentous occasion that deserves to be documented. Whoops.

_He drops the camera and it goes black._

THE END


End file.
